Captain America

Captain America is Marvel’s latest installment in a series of sure-thing comic book cash cows. Somehow, it was preceded by Daredevil and Elektra, but far be it for me to question Marvel’s priorities. Although this is a well-rounded, palatable film, let’s not ignore the truth. Captain America is basically a two hour trailer to 2012’s blockbuster Avengers movie, which will star Ironman, Thor, the Cap, Hawkeye (who has yet to have a movie!) and Nick Fury. For those of you who don't know, Nick Fury is going to be played by Samuel L. Jackson. Good ol’ Sammy has yet to turn down any movie role, he’s like the black Nicholas Cage.

The story revolves around an ambitious man who wants to fight for Uncle Sam in WW2 but can’t because of his diminiuative size and medical history. That’s right, it’s your typical “white boy underdog” story. Things change for our unlikely hero when a German scientist offers to make him a subject in a radical experiment that will turn him into a super soldier (indisputable proof that Americans have been using performance-enhancing drugs since at least WW2). The procedure is a success, because it’s always a success. Our hero is taller, faster, and stronger than ever before, which works out incredibly well, at least if you’re looking to represent the American ideal. I sometimes wonder what kind of hero Captain Canada would make…cleaner, politer, and more culturally harmonized than your average man? Let’s not even get started on what Captain Mexico would be like, because we all know that will get out of hand.

The villain, played by Hugo Weaving (The Matrix, V for Vendetta, Transformers and Lord of the Rings), was subjected to the same experiment years before. But instead of just attaining new physical gifts, he lost all of his hair and his head turned red. My manager does the same when I discuss deliverables with her.

As is typical for a comic book movie, a bad love story is forcefully infused into the plot (in Thor-esque style). Unfortunately for us, we don’t have the Natalie Portman this time around. Best to ignore this romance entirely and concentrate on what the movie does well. The visuals are as good as these movies can get and the pacing of the action is honestly great. It’s a shame there was no room in that multimillion dollar budget to makeover Tommy Lee Jones. Both halves of his head are starting to look like the evil side of Two-face (see Batman Forever).

Much like in Thor and Ironman, the excitement builds, almost explodes, and then suddenly drops off and nothing gets resolved. You kind of feel like your secret little house party is just getting started when your mom arrives in the driveway and starts honking the horn.

While the experience was fun and the summer comic book movie void was filled in the process, the film lacks a true sense of accomplishment. Maybe I’ve been spoiled by The Dark Knight. Or maybe I’m just never impressed with anything after the tragedy that was X-Men 3. This sense of “longing for more” may have been by design as it sets up next summer’s “sure thing”; nevertheless, this viewer was left a little unsatisfied.

3/5 stars

The Switch

You’re probably wondering why I am reviewing this movie now, almost a year after it came out. You’re also probably wondering why I even watched it. The answer is simple: I was really bored on Friday night and it was free to order on TMN.

The Switch is a terrible Trojan horse of a movie. On the surface, it looks like a comedy because it employs Jason Bateman (from the brutally aborted series Arrested Development series that's never quite as funny as your friends keep telling you it is). But male viewers beware: beneath that ‘funny’ veneer is a treacherous romantic comedy of the 10^th degree that will ambush you about 10 minutes in. All the classic ingredients are present:

1) it’s terrible;

2) the plot is nonsense;

3) there’s a happy ending;

4) it’s terrible; and

5) it stars Jenifer Aniston.

I know I repeated terrible twice. But the writers of this movie clearly put forth no effort, so why should I? In fact I don’t even think I’ll spellcheck this blog.

Anyway, this movie follows a male-female set of friends pretending to be in their late 20s, looking like they’re in their late 30s, being played by actors in their 40s. Aniston, recognizing that the biological clock is ticking, decides it’s time to have some offspring (one could argue this is not really acting at all?). So, she does it the old fashioned way—with a sperm donor and a turkey baster. Through some ridiculous sequence of romantic comedy slapstick, Jason Bateman, her best friend, switches the sperm donor’s sperm with his own. Because, you know, we all leave our sperm in an unattended bathroom in a small plastic cup that is easily accessible to a drunken Arrested Development star. Aniston got lucky, think what would have happened if it were David Cross in the bathroom instead.

The plot muddles forward, Aniston has a kid, Bateman realizes the similarities to himself, he admits to Aniston that it’s his sperm she inseminated herself with, she gets mad at him and before we know it, all is forgiven and the movie is over. The movie drags on worse than that run-on-of-a-sentence. Sorry if I ruined it for you. I usually don’t ruin movies for people, but if you are not able recognize which direction this movie is going in, you’re probably not smart enough to navigate the internet and find this article anyway.

Free was the right price, but I‘ll never get my two hours back.

1.5/5 stars