The Expendables

Here are some sinfully delicious foods: ice cream, pizza, fried chicken, chocolate and cheeseburgers. Don’t they all sound good? Now throw them all into a turbo-charged ninja blender and drink the toxic sludge that results. This taste is the taste of The Expendables, a movie that fearlessly but foolishly blends superstars from different eras and subgenres into a single ensemble. Be prepared for bloody and explosive diarrhea.

While this film did well financially, I know it’s a bad movie, and I never give a bad movie a free pass. My biggest problem is actually the film’s biggest hook: the cast. Aside from Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren (remember him from Rocky IV?) and Mickey Rourke all play major roles. Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwartzenegger cameo but not star (contrary to promotional material) while Terry Crews and Randy Couture star but not act (celebrity diss, feel free to light up my twitter).

When we were kids these guys kicked ass. But we are now adults and our childhood heroes are seniors heading towards their golden years. Given the precarious situation the cast was in, writer/director Stallone had a unique opportunity to look at aging in a whole new way (for reference at previous attempts, see the following list). Such a focus could have made a compelling story (as in The Wrestler), or at least some ripe comedy (like Murtaugh in the Lethal Weapon series). After all, the movie is about a group called “The Expendables”, so you have to figure these guys are used up, chewed up and spit out. But what could have been a fertile premise is instead an insult to the intelligence: the filmmakers try to maintain the illusion that these senior citizens are still sexy rebels, but sadly only the actors seem fooled. Did I mention that Steve Austin is also one of the villains? Thankfully, he only talks with his fists in the film—just like in his home life.

This movie’s plot is pretty straightforward. Stallone leads a mercenary band to a job on an island in the Gulf of Mexico, which is inexplicably controlled by a South American dictator. General Garza (Dexter sad sack David Zayas) rules the island with an iron fist, but is himself no more than a pawn controlled by an ex-CIA American ‘entrepreneur’, who, you guessed it, is into the production and distribution of illegal drugs to the U.S. I won’t ruin the ending for you, but suffice to say, his business model didn’t factor in explosives and throwing knives, and Sly’s continual fascination with being a white underdog fighting against people of different colour and culture.

For most people, this is a so-bad-its-good movie (though for me it’s just so bad). If you see this movie, you’re seeing it for the actors, not their characters or their stories. Owing to its ancient cast, the film has a nostalgic effect even though it’s not even two years old.

If you missed this movie a year and a half ago when it came out, consider it missed and move on. I’ve played video games with crisper action and better storytelling, and I mostly just play Mario Kart. But brace yourself, you’ll get a second chance: The Expendables 2 is due in 2012, and my review shortly after. For a switch, the third Expendables the film might consider utilizing washed-up writers/directors instead of just washed-up actors. I think M. Night Shamaylan, William Shatner and George Lucas might be willing to sign up – what else they got going on?

1.5/5